2012-366 Day 338 – Discovery

Actually, I should probably title this “The Horror of Discovery,” but I didn’t want to scare people away before they got here (yes, I know that this line is going to be visible in the Facebook summary, but I wager half the people don’t read that anyway). I don’t believe I can properly convey how much I wish that I had made this “discovery” much earlier in the life of this blog, as I guarantee I could have gotten a ton of mileage out of doing something similar for multiple blog posts. Maybe that will be my project for next year.

What am I going on about? Well, I was going to start with a bit of background, but floating around the back of my mind was the idea that I’d already covered it in the blog at some point in the past. Sure enough, in the Classy post, I go a little bit into my low-level hoarder . . . I mean “collector’s” mentality and how that manifests in my collecting digital music even when I may not have an immediate potential use for it (see my recent purchase of 13 hours of instrumental Christmas music – c’mon, it was only 99 cents and you never know when I’m going to host a 13 hour Christmas party for people who are afraid of lyrics!).

You can check the Classy post for a bit more, but, needless to say, this “problem” is why I check Amazon MP3’s five dollar albums at the beginning of the month when they put up a new batch. All was going great, with a couple of prospects opened up in new tabs (I have only purchased the Springsteen “Rising” album so far), until I reached the final page (they run 100 at a time, so it wasn’t a long time searching).

And here I have to make another aside for you to get the full effect of this revelation, so just hang in there a bit longer. If you’ve arrived at this blog and know me personally, I’m pretty certain you know of the show called Veggietales. I am a bit of a Veggietales hipster, being into Veggietales before it was cool to be into Veggietales (was it every cool? I’m not even sure). I’ve had to assemble two different collections, since my first collection on VHS went painfully out of style (see how old school I am). After being introduced to the show in my 12th grade English class (thanks Mr. Weitzel!), it struck the perfect balance of funny and childlike in me, and has been a mainstay ever since (with a little flagging recently, I’m a bit behind).

So when I saw the familiar sight of Bob the Tomato and Larry the Cucumber on the last page of album covers, my first reaction was excitement. “That could be fun to get and play for the nieces and nephews,” I thought to myself (nieces and nephews, riiiight). I opened the link in a new tab so I could finish perusing the selection of albums and started to scan on when, suddenly, the realization of what I just read set in.

Bob and Larry Go Country

Oh no.

I clicked over to the newly opened tab and there it was, 10 country songs in the Veggietales (read: kid song) style. Surely it couldn’t be that bad, I mean the company behind Veggietales has had it’s problems in the past, but they’ve generally put out quality goods. I perused the track list:

Boondocks – Okay, not the opener I was expecting, and it doesn’t seem like a song the kids would be excited about. Then again, “Boondocks” is kind of a funny word, so maybe they were going with that.

Mammas Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Cowboys – Alright, that was more along the lines of what I was expecting.

9 To 5 – Really? How many kids you know fretting about their work week? Then again, I suppose it is catchy, although it seems weird that we’re kind of disregarding lyrical content so far.

I Will Always Love You – The Whitney Houston song? I guess there was a country version (Googling . . . alright, I guess Dolly Parton did it first, but Whitney owns that song now and I don’t know too many kids that would have heard Dolly’s version), but again, where are we going with the lyrics here? Any forlorn toddlers crooning about lost love or undying love? I’m confused.

You’re Still The One – Please, please, please tell me these aren’t being turned into “Jesus, my boyfriend” songs or, even worse, Jesus Jukes.

Achy Breaky Heart – Why? Why would you do this? Think of the children! Wait, forget the children. Think of the PARENTS! We killed this song once and swore never again. Now you bring it back with vegetables? I’m beginning to reconsider my allegiance to you, Veggietales.

God Bless The U.S.A. – All right, considering genre, subject, and tone, it would actually be a crime if this song was NOT on the CD.

Forever and Ever, Amen – Creepily veering back into the “Jesus, my boyfriend” genre, but given a pass for the title including the churchiest of words, “Amen.”

Jesus Take The Wheel – I guess . . . I mean there’s only so much . . . I don’t know if kids will relate . . . Jesus is right there in the title . . . You know what, fine.

Life is a Highway – It’s never too early to get kids hooked on any version of “Life is a Highway.” Rubber stamp approved.

Well, after that list and those reactions, I was certainly firmly on the side of “not buying this.” (“But it’s cheap!” “Shush, you, not cheap enough by far.”) But there was this one little button on the page calling my name. No, we’ve established it wasn’t the “Buy MP3 Album” button. It was the little round button entitled, “Play all samples.” Keep in mind I did this for you, so you would not have to go unto the place which I was about to embark.

Boondocks – Holy cow, they’ve got everyone singing on this one. Yup, they’re definitely playing with the word “Boondocks” here, and the French Pea chorus in the background is mildly amusing. Oh my word, was that Mr. Lunt or one of the Peas starting in on the next verse after the chorus ends? Which ever one, thanks goodness the preview cuts out when it does.

Mammas Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Cowboys – Well, okay, Larry is in his element here. Are we certain this wasn’t a long lost silly song that finally came back home? “Lawyers and such,” heh.

9 To 5 – Trying to decide if using Mr. Nezzer for the chorus is genius or subversive, since he runs the factory and doesn’t really work there. Mr. Lunt should be kept far away from the rest of these songs, although he’d make a perfect pop star nowadays since all he does is shout instead of sing.

I Will Always Love You – And we’ve gone full circle on Larry with only one song separating a natural (“Mammas”) from a “What the heck?” (here). And they let Lunt back in on the verse, although at least he’s not shouting this time (he’s still not singing, but you take what you can get).

You’re Still The One – Okay, this is either Junior and the Carrot girl or Junior and his mom, and I’m not certain which one is creepier. Okay, in context, Junior and his mom is creepier, but they’re both pretty bad (at least until Junior and Carrot girl get married one day. I suppose it’s inevitable, it’s not like Junior has any other young girl vegetable options).

Achy Breaky Heart – I didn’t want to. Understand I did it for you. It is almost tolerable if you view it as a silly song (reinforced by the fact that Larry starts improvising a joke based on the lyrics at the end of the sample – don’t listen to it, it’s not worth it!), but . . . I can’t believe I’m trying to talk myself into this. Run away, far away!

God Bless The U.S.A. – Wow, they went full on choir anthem here. Cue eagle with tear rolling down its cheek . . .

Forever and Ever, Amen – Wait, is Larry dueting this one with Jimmy the gourd? “You’re Still the One” has a new challenger for creepy champion! And Mr. Lunt has a new challenger for worst singing on this album! A double threat!

Jesus Take The Wheel – And in a stunning turn of events, they have Mr. Lunt sing the verse on this song to take the title right back from Jimmy! A shocking reversal to totally squash (heh heh heh) the rising challenger. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a performance of the utmost . . . well, utmost terribleness doesn’t seem to work, but it’s so appropriate we’re just going to have to invent the phrase. Truly historical!

Life is a Highway – We do not make fun of “Life is a Highway.” We respect “Life is a Highway.” Veggitales also respects “Life is a Highway” because it easily has the best sample of the set. We still don’t recommend you listen to it though.

Sadly, I’m pretty sure I put more thought and effort into making fun of this CD that the people who created it did in selecting the tracks.

Weight: 222 Loss: 18 lbs – Running Yearly Mileage: 358.7 miles
Fitocracy Level: 26 ID: disciplev1